The Punch Line

So this week has been a rough one.

I'm feeling very anxious with all the noise in the neighborhood still, although it's been a little quieter than usual over the last couple days now. Odd.

Marco's got court tomorrow afternoon over a couple thousand dollars of debt that he got stuck with. I'm hoping it goes well, although it likely won't. If it doesn't, at least we know that his ex-wife can help pay for it now -- after all, she did a lot of the shopping with the accrued debt in question.

Taking a day or two off

My anxiety is at a peak, as is my depression and negative outlook. I need some time to clear my head and try to calm myself down for a day or two. Between the various aches of the last week or so and the incessant noise from the neighbors together with the ever-present stress of being unemployable, I can feel that something is about to go horribly wrong in my head to throw me under my own train again... and I must do whatever I can to stop this. It is a very unfortunate and trying complication with my Borderline Personality Disorder.

This is actually a fairly regular occurrence for me, unfortunately. I will explain more about it sometime in the next week, likely in my next posting. Until then, just know that I will get through this, and yes, I will be back. Everything will eventually be okay again.

I will be back to blogging with continued daily updates beginning again on Saturday or Sunday.

Indecision

In a little of a funk, so mind your head; the light's dim in here today.

I may not be writing a blog for tomorrow; Marco will be off for the first Sunday in a very long time. He usually works open to close on Sunday, so it'll be awesome to have him home for a change.

So today I've been thinking about how hanging in limbo, waiting for life to start, is just no fun. Not really feeling sorry for myself, as I'm not too depressed about it, since I am at least trying. It's just been rather difficult for me to figure out what I want to do with my life, since I have to be here anyways and all. I'm trying to figure out what is most important to me; what do I really want to achieve? There's just too many options for me to comprehend sometimes. It gets frustrating when there are so many things to do but only so many that I actually enjoy and even fewer that I enjoy AND could make a life of doing.

Just Fight Me

Here's a song/poem I wrote when in a particularly deep funk. I won't do double posting days very often but when I do, the second will likely be something similar to this -- artistic, whether visual, written, or in some other way in nature.

The Big, Bad Bully

One topic that is somewhat difficult yet therapeutic for me to discuss is bullying. Nearly 30% of America's youth is either a target for bullies, bullying others, or both at one point or another. Of that 30%, in a survey among 6th to 10th grade students, 13% did the bullying, 11% were the target, and another 6% were involved with both bullying and being bullied. (via SafeYouth.org) I myself, unsurprisingly to most, was a target for bullying while I was growing up. Its effects on me were both profound and long-lasting -- it is also the alleged cause of my onset of Borderline Personality Disorder, or at least one of the triggers. I still struggle, to this day, to effectively manage my negative self-talk and keep it in check. Occasionally, I even have "flash backs" to the worst moments I've endured.