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Happy Belated New Year

Well, it's a new year, a new decade... for the first time in a long time, I find myself feeling very hopeful for the future and where it's headed.

With Marc's new job, I find myself with a bit too much alone time. Learning to manage that time has been a bit of a problem for me -- I'll usually just sit in front of the computer and mess around on the internet all day long. Once in a while, I'll go and visit a friend or have company over. Either way, the laundry, dishes and decluttering aren't really getting done. So yeah... I really need to learn how to manage my time a little better once my back isn't messed up any longer.

What's up with the back? Oh, I think I might have a bulging or slipped disk. Not sure what the exact term is for it, and I can't afford to go to the doctor to even get a referral for an MRI to find out for sure what's wrong. All I know is that I'm experiencing chronic acute pain that is exaggerated by sitting, standing, shifting my weight and coughing. When I do any of the above, it is exaggerated by shooting down my left leg mostly - although sometimes also my right - and feels like a very sharp tug in my hip, knee and heel along the outer/rear areas. It's hard to do housework when you're in pain, moving along spasmodically. If I could get rid of the problem, it'd be much easier. I just can't afford it right now.

So, on one hand, things are going better than ever - we'll likely be moving in to an actual house as soon as we can start saving some money up. On the other, not so much - emotionally, I'm not in the best of places. Not being able to get anything done with the housework is making me feel a little less than awesome. I don't know if we're low income anymore or not, but even so, I don't know if I'd be able to get insurance through the state and not get hassled about being unemployed. The only way that this house will ever get clean is if I am here to take care of it, end of story. Besides that, there is also the way I'm overly emotional and its effect on my ability to work. It's very frustrating to be in the place I'm in, but I'm hoping it will work out somehow. I guess only time knows that now.

All in all, I have found purpose in just being here for Marc. He's the best thing to have ever happened to me, hands down. I find immense joy in being able to keep such a wonderful person happy - everyone agrees that he's impossible to measure up to in many ways. I'm in constant awe of him and the honest and generous love that we share. It's simply amazing to me. Whether or not I get the housework done, he still tells me I'm awesome; he's happy just to see my smiling face.

I'm such a lucky, lucky, lucky girl. Right now I'm just focusing on today and more ways to grow our happiness. That's enough of a purpose for me now.



Charlene said...

Gratitude is one of the best ways I know to get out of a funk. SOunds like you're on your way!

Kate said...

I am glad you are feeling hopefl. Maybe the time to yourself will allow you to do more creative stuff without distractions.

Good luck and all the best.

Kate xx

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Vincennes, Indiana, United States
26 years old. Daring. Disenchanted. Different. Trying to live in a friendlier yet more honest world. There is sometimes no larger dilemma.

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