bewilderment

It's that time of night again where I go searching for a buzz... anything that will give me that warm feeling, the light almost-electric "hum" in my nerves that both relaxes and strains me. I've found myself feeling the "need" to get high almost every day at some point or another, but most strongly in the evenings. I don't search out a buzz every night, although when I do it's nearly always around 7 or 8 in the evening. The reason for doing it is still a mystery to me; my only explanation for it is that I'm an addict. There are no limits to my addiction, either: anything that can give me those warm fuzzies or help me forget reality and the burdens of life for a moment will suffice.


While I haven't tried very many drugs, I have done more than enough to hang my head in shame over it. I'm ashamed to have been pressured into trying any of them and even more ashamed to have been excited to try any of them. I am proud, however, that I have not ever shot anything up... then again, I can't say for sure whether I would have if I had the chance in the past. Knowing me, I probably would have tried it. Thank goodness I never had the opportunity; I know that if it does come up in the future I can say no without even thinking about it.

I honestly wish that I knew why I am so uncomfortable in my own skin. It could be because of the bullying I endured in childhood. It could be how life always feels surreal to me in that I often find myself imaging what others' lives might be like. It could be that I'm just chronically and majorly depressed. But why? I don't understand it. I don't understand why I wake up every day wishing that I was never born. My life is not terrible by any means.

What I do know is that I want these feelings -- the need to use drugs, the feelings of inadequacy, wishing the world would just stop -- to end. It's awfully confusing, frustrating, and frightening to feel these things so strongly and persistently. I want to stop jumping every time I hear a loud noise. I want to be able to talk to people without worrying what they think of me. I want to be able to have enough confidence to find myself. I wish there was a way to get effective treatment here. Between the shortage of funds and the shortage of capable therapists in the area, it seems there is nothing I can do about it for the time being. At least I know I can hold on until the time is right. I just wish that it would come sooner.