The Punch Line

So this week has been a rough one.

I'm feeling very anxious with all the noise in the neighborhood still, although it's been a little quieter than usual over the last couple days now. Odd.

Marco's got court tomorrow afternoon over a couple thousand dollars of debt that he got stuck with. I'm hoping it goes well, although it likely won't. If it doesn't, at least we know that his ex-wife can help pay for it now -- after all, she did a lot of the shopping with the accrued debt in question.

Taking a day or two off

My anxiety is at a peak, as is my depression and negative outlook. I need some time to clear my head and try to calm myself down for a day or two. Between the various aches of the last week or so and the incessant noise from the neighbors together with the ever-present stress of being unemployable, I can feel that something is about to go horribly wrong in my head to throw me under my own train again... and I must do whatever I can to stop this. It is a very unfortunate and trying complication with my Borderline Personality Disorder.

This is actually a fairly regular occurrence for me, unfortunately. I will explain more about it sometime in the next week, likely in my next posting. Until then, just know that I will get through this, and yes, I will be back. Everything will eventually be okay again.

I will be back to blogging with continued daily updates beginning again on Saturday or Sunday.

That's not my bag, baby!

Well, my computer is kind of on the lam at the moment; it fell off the table one night at about two in the morning (it scared the bejeezus out of Marco) while I was commenting over at Charlene's blog -- The Balance Beam (please forgive me if the tag isn't quite right - on Marco's computer and don't have it in front of me) and hasn't been quite right ever since. The second master drive is said to have imminent fail written all over it. It's not too bad though as that particular drive is just a filler drive that I was using for memory. Now it's just a simple matter of reallocating the memory to the main hard drive again, transferring the files from the failing volume over to my primary drive, and setting the secondary slave back up as the primary's slave again. Thank god it was normal to tinker with crap in my house growing up, that's all I've got to say.

So anyways, for today I thought perhaps I would present to you all a list of why I decided having kids was not for me. It should be both entertaining and revealing.

Indecision

In a little of a funk, so mind your head; the light's dim in here today.

I may not be writing a blog for tomorrow; Marco will be off for the first Sunday in a very long time. He usually works open to close on Sunday, so it'll be awesome to have him home for a change.

So today I've been thinking about how hanging in limbo, waiting for life to start, is just no fun. Not really feeling sorry for myself, as I'm not too depressed about it, since I am at least trying. It's just been rather difficult for me to figure out what I want to do with my life, since I have to be here anyways and all. I'm trying to figure out what is most important to me; what do I really want to achieve? There's just too many options for me to comprehend sometimes. It gets frustrating when there are so many things to do but only so many that I actually enjoy and even fewer that I enjoy AND could make a life of doing.

The Big, Bad Bully

One topic that is somewhat difficult yet therapeutic for me to discuss is bullying. Nearly 30% of America's youth is either a target for bullies, bullying others, or both at one point or another. Of that 30%, in a survey among 6th to 10th grade students, 13% did the bullying, 11% were the target, and another 6% were involved with both bullying and being bullied. (via SafeYouth.org) I myself, unsurprisingly to most, was a target for bullying while I was growing up. Its effects on me were both profound and long-lasting -- it is also the alleged cause of my onset of Borderline Personality Disorder, or at least one of the triggers. I still struggle, to this day, to effectively manage my negative self-talk and keep it in check. Occasionally, I even have "flash backs" to the worst moments I've endured.

This is my only job....

Well, tonight I was supposed to be getting together with a friend for an evening of drunken Scrabble but it turns out that he had to stay at work for more overtime. I suppose it's just as well since I didn't get enough sleep last night and woke up crabby, sore, and already wanting to go back to bed. If only there had been a screw it button next to my bed; I surely would've pressed it today.

Then again, had I done that, I would've been skipping out on pretty much every responsibility entrusted to me, and I can't have that. It's not like life is really asking all that much of me right now anyway. I get up early, drive the neighbor (who's moving across town by the first of October *sniffles*) to work, sometimes catch a nap, help get her kids off the bus and then cart her back across town. After that, I do my chores and the rest of the evening is all mine. So yeah... life's really not asking too much right now.

Busy Day...

I somehow managed to stay occupied all day, so now, at the end of my day I'm too pooped out to actually cook anything. I wish I could, but it tends to be too much work for me to undertake after a long day. Aside from borderline personality disorder, I also suffer from fibromyalgia. What that basically means is that, regardless of my activity level, most days I'm really friggin' sore. It's like a muscle ache but feels deeper than that, but not quite bone level. It's really weird.

So I ended up cooking myself some Lipton Rice Sides cheddar cheese and broccoli for dinner. That was good enough.

But I'd still like some Chicken Parmesan sometime soon.

A Day Off

Wow, I overslept. I'm usually up-and-at-'em by six in the morning or so, so it's somewhat odd for me to just now be waking up at nearly one in the afternoon. Back in the day (like there actually was a "day"), I could sleep like nobody's business. Partly because I was so depressed, partly because I was so bored, mostly because I just didn't care. Nowadays I actually have a few responsibilities to take care of during the day, some days more than others. Generally speaking, I don't have to even get up on Sunday or Monday mornings if I don't want to, but it's just easier to maintain my routine if I do.

Starting Over

So yesterday I posted my introduction and in it mentioned that I'm not originally from Indiana. I moved here from the Upper Peninsula of Michigan in January, 2008 so that my boyfriend Marco and I could be together. It's not really an exciting story, nor is it all that funny, but I hesitate to say it's not weird. Although internet dating has gained momentum and popularity over the last ten years or so, it is still seen by many as odd and sometimes even dangerous.

Introduction to Jenno

Well, I suppose now would be as good a time as any to introduce myself. My name is Jenny (although I actually prefer to be called "Jenno" nowadays) and I'm a blogging addict. No, this is not my first foray into blogging -- how would I already be addicted if it was? I have been blogging off and on for about 4 years on various issues including, but not limited to: kink, music, life, love, history, politics, education, and of course, myself. I am 26 years old and live in southwestern Indiana in a crappy-but-livable trailer with my wonderful, amazing, awesome boyfriend Marco. There's a story about how I got here, too, which I will share with you at some point later on.